I'm sorry, so sorry....
I’m sorry, I just have a question.
I’m sorry, I just need a minute to think.
I’m sorry, I just have something to say.
I’m sorry to bother you but…..
I’m sorry…..
Does asking for what you need or want make you feel uncomfortable?
Does giving voice to your opinion or speaking up feel scary?
I get it.
I recently wrote in an email, “I’m sorry, I’m a recovering over-apologizer.”
It took the recipient calling me out for me to even notice what I had written.
What does unnecessarily apologizing do for us?
Apologizing softens the blow of our discomfort.And any projected discomfort we (usually incorrectly) assume the recipient will feel if we speak up.
To assuage this discomfort,we water down our opinions, soften our desires, and relegate our needs to the backseat.
Why is it so uncomfortable to speak up? To take up space? To be seen, heard, and met?
As women we are the caretakers and the nurturers, the self-sacrificers and the martyrs. Historically,our needs and opinions have not had value and were not respected (and often left us physically and emotionally unsafe).In many places and many rooms this is still the case. >> Baby is still put in the corner, often in more subtle but equally damaging ways.
Tides Are Turning
Our words matter.
It bears repeating: Our words matter.
When we say “I’m sorry” this signals to our brains that we have something to be sorry for.
It reinforces to those who hear us that we should feel sorry – for knowing our needs and speaking up for them, for taking up space and honoring ourselves.
We should be sorry for taking a day to respond to an email or text instead of the self-imposed immediate response.
We should be sorry for asking for a refill or a level of service that aligns with what we've paid for or been promised.
We should be sorry for holding people accountable and refusing to sit down.
We should be sorry for taking up space, having needs, and voicing our desires. >>You have nothing to be sorry for.
Change 'out there' comes when we change the dialogue with ourselves and those around us in order to change the larger conversation - the expectations and the acceptance that women are meant to be small.
Your sacred invitation
As you roll into this weekend I invite you to take notice of when you say I’m sorry and how it feels when you do.
Does your stomach clench, or do you physically shrink even with a small shoulder shrug or rounding of the back?
Notice what purpose this apology is serving –
to soften your own discomfort at asserting your needs?
to fit the good-girl persona you’ve been taught to play?
to protect yourself from the rejection that may (or may not) come from showing up as you -- in all your glory?
Sometimes we’re in the wrong - we missed a deadline, we dropped a ball, we said something unkind or insensitive - and it’s appropriate and necessary to take responsibility and to apologize.
This isn’t that.
This is playing small.
This is shrinking our bodies, hearts, and minds to fit others’ comfort level.
This is giving up your seat at the table.
This is putting someone else’s needs above your own.
This is putting someone else’s voice above your own.
This is putting someone else’s worth above your own.
Sweetheart, you're worthy of the space you inhabit - large, small, and everything in between and outside.
Speak for yourself – even if your voice shakes.
Honor yourself.
If you don’t, no one else will.
Until next time,
Emma
Holistic Nutritionist
Health Educator, Speaker, Consultant